Day 343 - Do you think she misses me?

Okay, okay - I don't know how many more times I can express to you how much I miss my Allie girl and Brad. You get it. I get it. I know!

I am learning to deal with it. The hardest part - not sure if I've blogged about this or not so bear with me if I am repeating myself - the hardest part is being a part of a family and then having it taken away. I used to enjoy 5:00 when I got to leave work and head home to this little funny girl. Seriously - when I saw that face, no matter what happened during the day, I forgot it and the rest of my day was filled with joy. I am filled with guilt right now. Guilt that I couldn't suck up my professional life and the miserable-ness so that I could be home and comfortable with my family. I continue to wonder if I needlessly abandoned my husband and my sweet baby for my own personal gain of enjoying what I do for a living. Am I a bad mother for choosing that? I have now missed 23 days of my daughter that I will never get back. Why? Because I was so unhappy with work. I was so miserable. Now, the complete opposite effect has happened. I enjoy my professional life and I am lonely without my other half - half being both Allie and Brad. However, as I approach each day - and it is a day to day battle, I am greeted with these positive incidents that let me know that I am making the right decision for the long run. I have been forced out of my comfort zone that was my daily routine and into a situation where I have to get out and experience new things. Yes - it is at the cost of me being away from my family, but it is also setting us up for a new life. A better transition out here. A better way of living and helping Allie grow. I have been exposed to so much out here that I can't help but thank God for opening up this pathway for me. Me being gone - just a small blip in the big picture. My absence has allowed my mom and Brad to reconnect on a mother in law and son level, it has allowed Brad to bond with Allie further and it has allowed me to get out, network and connect with people that otherwise I probably wouldn't have connected with.

Do I have guilt? Absolutely. Do I have thoughts of a fantastic and bright future in Utah for my family? Absolutely.

Everyday I hear about all the Allie-isms that go on. I often wonder if she misses me. My mom told me that she showed Allie a picture of me and Allie let out a little whine when she saw my picture. She also hugged the picture. She tells me that Allie looks around for me when someone says mommy. That makes me feel better.

And then I look at this picture and tell myself she is saying, "Crap - 15 more days till I see my mommy?"

Birthday plans are full steam ahead. I am lucky to have Verge Events help me plan and execute Allie's huge milestone!