Worry like a mother

My mother warned me that after Allie was born, I have never experienced true worry until after I have a child.

And damn it - like always - she was right.

Tonight, I hit a whole different level of worry.

I need to set up the background of deep seated issues that I have managed to bury deep within. My younger brother passed away when he was 13 from a car accident. That incident has caused me to look at vehicles, driving and the road in a completely different way. His death affected me in more ways that would meet the eye. For years, I would have flashes of various ways my car would or could crash. Over bridges, into oncoming traffic, sudden Matrix type interstate accidents - I would have nightmare after nightmare - even what I would call "day-mares" as I would catch myself drift off into a daze and jolt myself into current reality. I even obsess about car accidents by watching TruTV's car chases that end in accidents or other police chase tv.

Brad never really understood this. He just labeled me "crazy" (although lovingly) and watched me out of the corner of his eye.

I have managed to deeply suppress the above scene and it hasn't really reared its ugly head (I do still enjoy a good police chase on tv though)......until tonight.

We met some friends downtown for dinner. Of course we had Allie and it was a great dinner (at an awesome sandwich place called Moochies). On the way back home, we were on Interstate 15 heading southbound, when I heard Brad utter something - and I can't remember what it was - but it was something that meant trouble. As I looked up, I saw a car swerve across 3 lanes of traffic into another car, the other car spin out of control back at us and then slam into the wall of the interstate...all while going 60+ mph. This all happened right in front of us and all I could think about were those tv scenes and us crashing into this accident while it was happening.

All I can say is THANK YOU GOD that Brad was driving because looking back - it was almost like we were in this cloud bubble that protected us. Brad managed to somehow slow us down - unabrubtly and put us safely on the left median with the mangled car directly in front of us.

Shaken - the scariest part for me was the waiting. Two cars - both slammed into walls on opposite sides of the interstate and us. Cars were whizzing by us with no care of slowing down. Several cars almost hit the car in front of us and all I could do is sit and scream, "SLOW DOWN!" Allie must have thought I was crazy...anyone would have thought I was crazy. This time, YOUTUBE videos and horrible news stories flashed in front of me of cars hitting the accident scene. Allie's side of the car was the most exposed to oncoming traffic as we sat there waiting on police. I was on the verge of a breakdown.

Finally - after what seemed like an hour (although it really wasn't) the cops showed up and Brad and I were released from the scene.

All that being said - all that suppressed worry and emotion has been released....only with a magnified level of intensity.

And I feel like now's the time to openly admit my other worries:

Since our roommate is gone - we are utilizing his room as a place to put Allie so we can all sleep better.

1) I worry that someone will break in to our apartment and kidnap her.

2) I worry that our apartment will catch fire and I won't be able to get to her in time.

Our apartment isn't the "safest" place in the city since there was a shooting in the apartment below the day that I moved in.

3) I worry that some sort of gunshot will come through our apartment walls or floor and that she'll be hit by it.

4) I constantly worry that she'll choke on some food - I mean...I cut her grapes up even though I KNOW she can eat them whole....

5) I worry that she'll be walking along and trip and hit her face on the edge of a table (although we really don't have any tables with sharp edges) and cause trauma to her head.

6) I worry that she'll stop breathing at night. She can make a tiny peep in her sleep and I'm at her bedside in 2 seconds flat.

7) I worry that her fingers will get frostbite when we take her outside for long periods of time (hiking, ZooLights, Temple Square stroll....)

8) I worry that she is not getting enough nutrients in her diet and that I'm depriving her of some important vitamin and she will not thrive (I've even talked to my pediatrician about it and she's looked at me and said, "I don't think you have to worry about this one!")

...um - I'm going to stop there because I could literally write for days on the specific things that I worry about. These are true serious things that I worry about and as I re-read what I just wrote - I realize how ridiculous it sounds....but I can't help but worry about them more!!!

The bottom line is a person will NEVER know worry until they have a child that is solely dependent on them. I've always been a worrier.....I just never knew it would reach THESE extremes!

Is there a Worrier Anonymous group I could hook up with?!