Day 159 - The dwindling milk supply

I now hate work more so than normal, for a reason different from any other I have had before. Work is interfering in the well being of my child. I realize that is a heavy statement, but work is getting so crazy, that for the past week, I haven't been able to pump when I need to...which is every 3 hours. I should be getting in at least 3 sessions at work that will produce anywhere between 3 and 4 bottles....

For a while, I was doing really well because I could pump more than she was consuming and now the roles have been reversed again and she is eating through more than I can pump. My friend, Patricia - who's daughter is exactly one week older than Allie, just called me last week to tell me that she is giving in on the pumping at work too because of the same reasons. It makes me mad, it makes me irritated and it makes me sad.

Having my mother at home with us is truly a blessing. However, on the flip side of that blessing is my identity crisis as a mother. I feel like my mother is OUR mother....she has Allie all day, at this point, knows Allie better than me - Allie could pretty much not have me around and she wouldn't miss out on anything....EXCEPT - the breastfeeding. That is MY thing...that is MY moment and that is something that only I can do. It's a comfort that is there for both of us and it is just as much part of my routine as it is hers. With the thought of having to give it up, I get sad. When I think of why I may have to give it up, I get angry and mad. When I'm at work trying to get 100 things done at one time, I get irritated.

I am going to continue to try and pump and try to breastfeed exclusively. The cereal is helping, but the milk supply is dwindling. Even though I may have to supplement with formula down the road, I will continue to try and nurse at least in the morning and at night for as long as I can....who knew that I would have withdrawals from breastfeeding....isn't that something that the baby is suppose to struggle with instead of the mother? :-)