Day 202 - On a serious note

I just wanted to take today's post and talk about something that is very important to me, only because I experienced it myself.

During my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with depression. I currently work in a high stress, fast paced environment and I love my job. During my pregnancy, I noticed that I was way more irritable than normal and found myself getting more and more emotional surrounding work. I had thoughts like, "I work with a bunch of idiots and morons," "I don't have time to waste in this meeting with stupid people..." etc, etc. I chalked this up to me...working with a bunch of morons! But as time progressed, the water works started coming on during my drive to work and on my way home from work when I was by myself. Beyond that, I would come to stopping points in my day where I would get so frustrated and ticked off at the smallest things that I would literally be steaming from the ears. I began to slowly feel like I had been pushed back into a corner and that I was helpless in my job. I am a career oriented person and until I had my Allie, my job was my life. It defined me as a person and it was what gave me reassurance that I had made all the right choices...until my pregnancy. I began to doubt everything that I had done in my career and couldn't understand why I been pushed into this corner that was my current job.

I had a trying pregnancy. With a previous miscarriage recently behind me and a miscarriage scare at 12 weeks with Allie, everything in my life was beginning to crumble around me and I couldn't understand why. It wasn't until I was on my way to work one morning on the interstate, I caught myself literally trying to plot a car accident to put myself in the hospital just to keep myself from going to work - I knew something was wrong and immediately called my doctor.

It just so happened at this same time, my review at work was up...My reviews are typically nothing but good feedback. With this one - I was about 5 months pregnant. I suppose my behavior personally affected a few individuals and everyone else jumped on the band wagon, but my review had gone from great performer, great leader, great team player from the previous 5 years, to great performer, poor attitude in 6 months. I was written up at work for my attitude that was discussed by individuals in this review. My car wreck scenario I was trying to build up combined with this written warning at work was more than I could take. There was no feedback for me to understand how I could improve, only negative comments like, "You're too aggressive, people are scared of you, you intimidate people..." were given and I just couldn't understand.

I sought a counselor and made my first appointment. I needed someone to help me align all my thoughts and tell me what was wrong.

I had the belief that depression wasn't real. It was just what bored people who needed attention did and they made it up. After the first session with my counselor and my doctor's recommendation, I was immediately placed on an anti-depressant, Zoloft and advised to take Short Term Disability until the meds kicked in. I was torn - on one hand, I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders because there was this scientific reasoning behind my behaviors, but then on the other side of it, why couldn't I control it? Why did I have to medicate myself?

I decided not to take the meds and I decided that I couldn't take any time from work because I simply had too much to do.

Big mistake. Huge. (Spoken by Julia Roberts!)

I broke down during a feedback session with management. I was trying to explain how these accusations against me were unfair, unclear, subjective and I was just being set up for failure. Then I cried. In front of people. In front of work people. In front of people who did not have any interest in understanding what was going on. I immediately got on the meds after that. Although I didn't take the time off from work, I did keep a low profile for the next few weeks and continued to visit my counselor. I realize now that I was crazy...literally....couldn't see the forest through the trees...

Fast forward to a few months ago - I was still on the meds and doing fantastic. Everyone noticed a huge difference after the meds started kicking in (no one knew I was on them, but around the 2-3 week mark - people did start giving me great positive feedback) and my whole outlook was completely different after Allie was born and I was back from maternity leave.

I look back on that dark time and realize that had I been given more information up front that depression was real, especially during pregnancy, I could have avoided that whole scenario. I don't think there is enough literature or awareness given to depression during and after pregnancy. Sure, we hear about it when Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields get in a fight - but why isn't there a pamphlet that goes home with you when you leave your first appointment warning you about the signs of prenatal depression and post partum depression?

Now, I have this huge black mark in my files that will stay with me as long as I am working for this company. And to prove it - I was denied the opportunity for a potential promotion because my behavior during my pregnancy before the med was discussed. It was hard to be denied even the opportunity to interview for this promotion because of my prenatal depression. But after thinking about it, after praying about it and after watching my beautiful Allie grow up, I could honestly care less. When one door closes, another one opens. The amount of information I gained by experiencing it myself is priceless. I just have to figure out how to be an advocate to get the information out to not only new expecting mothers, but people AROUND those mothers. To understand.

These were a few of the interesting reads I found during my search for more information...

Melanie Blocker-Stokes Postpartum Depression Research and Care Act
Guardian.co.uk

How do I do that? How do I make my singular small voice be heard and bring awareness to this?

Only time will tell. God will direct me. This won't rest yet. It's in my bones, wanting to come out. I just have to find the path.

I am glad to say that I am officially off the meds. Was it the right decision, I don't know yet. But now I look at my beautiful daughter, she's my medication. She's my escape!

Allie, thank you for everything that you've taught me in the past 7 months. Not just about motherhood, but about life. You'll never understand how much you've given to me, without even trying. I love you so much for that.