Day 321 - I change my mind...

Over the last few days, I've changed my mind about leaving for Salt Lake about a million times. "I change my mind...I'm not going..." has been uttered while packing, while having breakfast, while playing with Allie, while....breathing.

Today we got up early and headed out for some errands. A little shopping - getting a few this's and thats before I head out. We went to several places....Apple store, Kohl's, Target to name a few....and then we were done. Allie was very vocal today and I like to pretend it's because she knows I'm leaving and is protesting...

While packing over the past few days, I asked Brad, "What do I take?"

His response was, "Pack like you're not coming back."

That made me frown.

I understand his mentality....even if I do come back to visit...I can't take anything back with me on an airplane. Thank God for spacebags. I managed to get my entire closet (summer and winter clothes) into 3 suitcases and 1 big plastic tote. I also managed to get 2 mountain bikes and a few hobbyist things in there as well (knitting). I printed off a little over 1,000 pictures of Allie today and managed to get those into the car as well (whew!) I bought a few little charms and frames to keep in the car with me as well.

I've decided the only way to prevent me from falling down in to a deep dark depression while out there is to set goals and objectives for myself. Exercising (free gym at work and the Medes have a treadmill and elliptical), Knitting (lots of local yarn stores in the area), mountain biking, hiking, fishing, reading, learning Korean with my Rosetta stone that I've yet to use and getting all my 1,000 photos in place....are just to name a few. I'm going to make sure I make the most of this time that I have to be away from Brad and Allie.

Tonight, just like last night, I rocked Allie until she fell asleep. I re-memorized all her features on her face - her nose, her ears, her hair, her cheeks, those eyes, those long lashes, her 3 teeth as well as her chubby little fingers and toes - all of it. I have committed her smell to memory and tried to think of ways to bottle it up and take it with me. I've gone through her toys, her outfits, her mannerisms.....all of it. I made sure to video her little dancing moves that she just started doing (will be posting those videos soon!) and her bath time. I watched those little eyes of hers slowly drift asleep and watched her thoughts slowly move into dreamland and then I put her into her bed and tucked her tight to sleep.....

......and am now polishing off the last of the red wine that has kept me from breaking down in tears tonight. I've had to fight back tears for the past few days and pray that I make it through this time of adjustment. This is but a small piece of the big picture and as much as I want to scoop her up and take her with me, I know that leaving her here is the best for her.

Ugh....

Double ugh because over the next 3 days, Brad will be in charge of posting blog posts. Expect short and sweet posts with minimal photos. I hope that he keeps it going!

So here are a few pics from today...

My little brainiac exercising those thought cells of hers as usual...She is so good at putting these blocks into the appropriate slot....

And then good at taking them back out and doing it all over again!

She also likes to put the blocks in other things too! Look at that concentration!

I often wonder what goes through that little mind of hers...especially when I catch these faces!

Big girl trying to walk!

And pull herself up with anything that's around!!

And, of course, I haven't changed my mind....just anxious about leaving my little Allie girl behind - and the 3 day journey across the country!